Assume the Position, Here Comes the Boy

A sleeper's (futile) guide to self defense.

It's my fault. For the last week Didi has been sleeping through the night, no longer running into our room at 4 a.m. to join us in our bed. This was a major turning point and a welcome one: No matter the size of our bed (we recently upgraded from queen to king), our wee lad finds a way to thrash, roll, push and muscle himself into every nook and private part (see the photo for correct technique for self-defense). He triggers my insomnia, despite refinements to my sleeping position, right from the moment I hear his door slam shut and those little footsteps pat-patting down the hallway towards our door.

I say it's my fault because the thing that triggered his renewed forays into our bed was an episode of House I let him watch, where a young boy thought he was being abducted by aliens. The story ends happily, and at the conclusion Didi appeared content that everything had worked out. Too bad Didi's only three! The idea of aliens evidently stuck with him, and he was less and less sure of himself as he went to bed that night. Hence the revival of his nocturnal trespasses and my renewed, futile contortions.

That was Saturday, but it seems eons ago now that he's back to his early morning routine. So protect yourself when you hear the patter of feet. When your door opens and slams shut. When the little dickens calls out for "mom" but you know he's going to kick you in the ... well, see the photo for proper defensive technique.